Relax, take a deep breath, and turn your mind to the humorous tales that follow...wedding jokes, wedding humor and wedding comics.

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

• A CAT always hits the litter box.
• Better chance of training a CAT.
• No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
• You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
• If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
• A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
• You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
• It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
• You don't have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.
• A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.
• If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says.

"But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be something better.

And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart get the hell out of here and have a nice day.

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20, for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which were worth over $ 2 million and informed him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. She explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut...

Q & A

Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
A: You can't unscrew a pregnant lady!

Q: Why does it take 450 million male sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.

Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.

Q: Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box!

Q: Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
A: Because men can see better than the they can think.

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the ones left over are handicapped.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.

Q: What's the difference between a Savings Bond and the typical male?
A: At some point, the Savings Bond will mature!

Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.

Q: Why is sex with someone new like a snow storm?
A: Because you never know when it will come, how deep it will be or how long it will last.

Q: Why are lifesavers better than men?
A: They come in five flavors.

Q: Why are men like trains?
A: They always stop before you get off.

Q: Why do bachelors like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know - it's never happened.

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why are women so bad at judging distances?
A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 12 inches.

Q: What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: Sex is always better with someone you love.

Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds ?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a very thin woman?
A: The counterfeit bill is a phony buck

Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead, I'm going to give these two a lift

Q: Why is sex like winning at bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Q: How is an all-night stud different from a premature ejaculator?
A: One is good for seconds, the other is good for seconds

Q: How do you make 6 pounds of fat attractive?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: ...because it's always good for the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove

Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church

Q: What can you make from baked beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.

Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't ?
A: Her navel.

Thoughts On Marriage
(Written by kids)

How do you decide who to marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sport, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kristen, age 10

What is the right age to get married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 8

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

What do most people do on a date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

What should you do on a first date that was turning sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

Is it better to be single or married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

How would the world be different if people didn't get married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite it is...
How would you make a marriage work?
Tell your wife she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
--Ricky, age 10

Wedding Jokes